NOT a murder mystery

I forgot to lock my front door last night.

Terry Pratchett has this great paragraph about how, in Ankh-Morpork, there are actually very few murders. Mostly dead bodies are considered suicide. Walking in the Shades after dark for example, is suicide.

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While Johannesburg likely wasn’t used as a template for this Discworld metropolis (as far as I know) I feel it definitely ranks in the top five most Ankh-Morporkian cities on this particular plane of existence. The most glaring difference (which precludes Jo’burg from the top spot) is that instead of a brass bridge lined with hippos over the river Ankh (primarily used to dispose of dead bodies) we have a bridge over a train yard. (which broadly serves the same function). Also a bridge made of brass would have been stolen ages ago.

In any event, not locking your front door in South Africa is broadly considered suicide. (glad we made it!)

In all fairness in order to get into the master bedroom to murder us they’d still have to make it past the booby traps (the playroom strewn with caltrops/Lego), the vicious guard basset (oh who am I kidding) and there’s always the chance they might trip over the German Shepherd in the passage. I sleep like the dead, but all the commotion might wake the missus (who will then punch me, ‘Your turn’.)

Back when I was an (irresponsible) bachelor I slept with a Glock (.40S&W) underneath my pillow, 1UP and ready to rumble. It caused me endless frustration when girlfriends wanted to sleep over. (where is the Glock going to sleep?) Although savvy enough NOT to suggest they go sleep in the other room due to their presence deteriorating the defensive integrity of fort Joey, it generally elevated my already simmering levels of anxiety. (Clearly I had other qualities which glossed over some of the other more serious psychological… eh…  deficiencies)

Marriage has mellowed me somewhat (or turned the liquid cloudy, depending on how you look at it). These days instead of rolling out of bed and into my body armour I first have to go the cupboard and take it off a coat hanger. I also have to waste precious time taking my Glock out of the safe and cycling a round into the chamber. All this while under the added pressure of being murdered.

Its all very inconvenient.

 

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Comments

  1. This is really good Jo. Entertaining! We had a bridge near my old house called the jumpers bridge. Stalled motorist? No. It’s a three second fall into the rocks. As a medic we’d be down there once a month to retrieve. Too bad they just don’t put a dumpster down there with a bullseye 🎯 painted in the floor.

      1. Thanks! Appreciate it. I’m busy trying to organize my blog a bit better so theres more stuff like that here
        https://godarke.com/personal/

        if you’re interested.

        I didn’t know you were a medic! Thats awesome. I should have been a fireman I’ve decided. If I ever get to do it again. Life I mean. The down side is those body retrievals… and I can’t imagine hauling a pulverised body out of a gorge is any fun.

      2. I’ve seen what there is to see. It never bothered me much at the time but those memories have intensified, as I have re-sensitized.

      3. That kinda sucks. I guess its that juxtaposed life of seeing the humanity at its best and worst.

      4. You get numb to it after a while and then roll to the next one. Each medic seems to draw certain types of calls. Mine were the absolute worst—hangings and kids. After I had given my notice to quit, it’s like the trauma death gods thought I was Odysseus. My partner couldn’t wait for me to leave. He quit right after me and went to PA school. It was a month I’ll never forget.

      5. Oh Jeepers. Those must be the two worst kinds of call outs… I think people under appreciate the mental fortitude required to do a job like this an stay functional.

    1. Thanks! 😀 I’m also not a big fan of actual violence. I seen some of the stuff humans can do to each other… so not really a fan of reading about it… or watching it on television

  2. You saying you “forgot” to lock the door just made my OCD take over my face, like facial ticks and mild panic. Then I double checked my own door. (And I live in the sticks lol)

    1. Lol. Are you one of those people who gets up in the middle of the night… just to double check… you locked the door, turned the gas off etc. 😀

    1. Is it because you are suicidal?

      If you get murdered I will come to your funeral and say nice things about you. I do a great eulogy. 😀

      1. If you could maybe time to be around the same time as comic-con… that would be great. Kill two birds with one stone. 😀

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