Go Darke

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it

Daily Journal, Humor

Mountain bikes and mixed metaphors

Ow. My aching asshole.

Which, as opening lines go, occupies the same dubious realm as clickbait. However, my discomfort does not stem from any Leviticus censored activity, but rather from something more mundane. And self inflicted.

I uncoupled my mountain bike from its wall mount, scrubbed it down (it was still dirty and muddy from the last time I’d used it) [BAD MOUNTAIN BIKE OWNER] lubed it up and then took it for a short early morning 10mi* sojourn along the river near my house.

IMG-20120317-00594

*For some reason my apple watch measures my runs in km, but my bike rides in miles. A problem likely solvable through Google. It doesn’t worry me, I am multi-mensurational.  (Which I initially wrote as menstruation…al which is a entirely different form of cycle) Joey takes a moment to laugh at his own joke. 

I’m a bit saddle sore. I haven’t ridden in ages. Work, child rearing… insert other vaguely lame excuses here. But having recently decided that I actually hate running, I need some other form of kinetic energy transferal to counter the effect of maturing (into a slab of lard). Its either that, or, I guess, I could eat less. Stuffing food into my mouth-hole however is (kinda) the apotheosis of my entire life… and therefore unlikely to happen.

In any event, I’d forgot how much I enjoyed riding. Bruised sphincter aside I mean. Not sure how you guys do it. ‘You guys’, he’s says motioning with a broad sweeping hand gesture to encompass people of a certain proclivity and tendency. But then again, maybe I don’t know what I’m missing? Downside, is having to clean up post event, since by that time I’m usually quite lethargic. Cleaning the bike I mean. Maybe I need to invest in one of those… power-wash-sprayer-thingies? (I’m sure there is a more technical terms for these)

TMI… but I’m eyeing the infants bum cream with a look that suggests we might need some alone time in the bathroom together.

And now you are most likely disturbed. Mission completed.

10 Comments

  1. jim-

    March 9, 2019 at 2:54 pm

    Saddle-ass would be even finer with a hemorrhoid. Really though, finding something you enjoy to keep you outside in the fresh air is worth a little ointment.

    1. Jo

      March 9, 2019 at 4:42 pm

      ‘May your piles never hang like grapes’. Which was, apparently, an ancient catchphrase used when saying goodbye… You made me think of it again. Ha ha.

      I

  2. tara caribou

    March 9, 2019 at 8:23 pm

    I’ve gone car-free multiple times in my life and it’s never been hard because I’m a bicycle rider too. I prefer two wheels. It’s either my bike or my motorcycle. 😊 Best thing ever. That said, I don’t use those tiny seats. Haven’t for years. I get the big gel-filled soft for the seat errr seats. I figure, if I’m gonna sit on it for hours at a time, it damn well better be comfortable and not kill my asshole… or you know, other sensitive parts.

    1. Jo

      March 9, 2019 at 8:41 pm

      I’ve always wondered about lady bits and bicycle seats. That area should not be trifled with… surely? But clearly some resistance is acquired over time. I must be honest I went numb in a very strange place…. I was momentarily… eh… very concerned.

      1. tara caribou

        March 9, 2019 at 8:52 pm

        Super common issues with bike-riders. Still worth it.

      2. Jo

        March 9, 2019 at 9:10 pm

        I prefer little Joey to be kept in perfect working order and not deprived of O+. He’s been to some dark places, seen some bad things… the least I can do is take care of him in his old age

  3. erroneouschoices

    March 10, 2019 at 4:13 am

    Nope after seeing the bike shorts and your tmi, my thoughts have run amock. But not at all disturbed. I’m odd 🙄

    1. Jo

      March 10, 2019 at 5:13 am

      You are a genuine oddity 🙂 Which in a world mediocrity and drab sameness is remarkably refreshing

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