Deadly peanut

Have you ever, or would you ever, attempt an emergency tracheostomy?


Hmm. I’m not particularly squeamish so I’d probably take a stab at it. (if there was a danger that death was exceptionally imminent and no one else was stepping up to the breach I mean). I’ve always been of the opinion that what I lack in skills I make up for in enthusiasm.

In the ‘for’ column I’d like to submit many (hellish) hours spent languishing on the sofa watching Greys Anatomy. A punishment I endured as the archetypal boyfriend in the hope it would (later on) get my thing wet. I’d like to think this time wasn’t wasted and that I now appreciate at least the basic precepts of your run-of-the-mill medical procedures. I feel I also have a pretty good idea about the general vicinity in which to perforate a temporary airway. Just like in Real estate its probably all about location, location, location.

I also come standard with many sharp accoutrements (of questionable hygienic value) that can act as as entry tool. Although, in all, honesty post laceration I would be loathed to use my MontBlanc to facilitate oxygenation. So unless someone is willing to loan me a cheap ballpoint you’re probably going to die there. Perhaps we should do a quick inventory of writing implements before going directly to the puncture wound? I wouldn’t want for this to get awkward.

Maybe we should ALSO do a quick frisk for an EpiPen and not necessarily (with morbid fervor) opt for the most invasive recourse right off the bat?

Fuck it.

Hand me that spork. I’m going in.

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