Go Darke

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it

Fundamental Joeyism

Answers you don’t want

Because I am a house-husband now, I do mundane things. Like take my daughter to school. And because I am a slacker, I went to the French Bakery afterwards and had coffee and a croissant. Albeit lathered with smashed avocado… which doesn’t feel very French. But then again, I know next to nothing about La Gastronomie FrançAise and its traditional components. Mostly this is because I am an ignorant monkey. So maybe avocado croissants are a thing.

From my corner vantage I nosily side eye what people are reading… you know so that I can judge them… and feel superior. Feeling smug is one of life’s great perks and I try not let moments like this slip through my fingers. Not only are there two people, at two different tables, with actual books, they are BOTH reading the I Ching. What are the chances of that?

I haven’t read it. Or rather, I tried. And quickly got bored-distracted-by-the-shape-and-depth-of-my-naval. I would tell people that I’ve read it though. Because… hasn’t’ everyone. And I can probably fake it to give some semblance of familiarity. Which is good enough. I just want to seem cool, not actually be cool. I roll my eyes at both of them. What a bunch of posers. I shove some avocado-croissant into my face hole and try chew with my mouth closed.

Other recent mundanity included having to supervise having a drain unblocked at my house. My pipes are all old… that part of the house is about sixty years old and the plumbing is archaic and probably only one step up from lead conduits and aqueducts. .

The plumbers came with that whirly machine with the spinning doo-hicky that they fed through the exterior connection. My primary role in these situations is to make sure the basset hound doesn’t try to murder any workmen that come to my abode. He is remarkably hostile and works himself up to just shy of a foamy apoplexy when confronted with people driving trucks and wearing overalls.. The German Shepherd is the calm reasonable dog. 

‘What’s the grossest thing you’ve pulled out of a drain I ask casually’

‘A dead baby’ 

Which is not what I was expecting. 

Didn’t really have a snappy retort or witticism tee’d up to counter that.  Someone had flushed their stillborn baby down the toilet… well that’s what I presume happened. Vaguely I wonder what the recriminations are for something like that? Is that criminal? I don’t think I’d like to pull a dead baby out of drain.

Sensing that wasn’t really the cheerful answer I was looking for they went on to detail all the snakes they’d pulled out of South African drains. Including a still live mamba once when they had been using the hand rods. 

That’s more like it. 

Mine was quite a boring blockage. Rust. 

Speaking of snakes my daughter wants a snake for her fourth birthday. Specifically a corn snake which she will call Charlie. Every thing gets named Charlie. Except… oddly, the daddy long legs that lives in the garage next to the car whom she named Crystal-flower. 

My wife is reticent suggesting that we just go with my original suggestion of a pair of matching Nerf guns so we can settle disputes by duelling with foam projectiles. Also I suppose the kids could also use them. Ha ha.

My lofty goal for the day is to read up about Corn-snakes.

And maybe eat some cheese cake.

BACK TO FUNDAMENTAL JOEYISM

6 Comments

  1. theceaselessreaderwrites

    at

    I’d imagine there was some type of criminality involved in getting the baby into the drain unless it was just an unfortunate accident. How sad. I made The Girl a smashed avocado on toast with olive oil and a touch of salt for breakfast this morning. She ate it as I drove her to school, and we listened to good music while she regaled me with stories of her & her friends’ latest antics and escapades. Last weekend, The Boy was watching an episode of What’s New, Scooby-Doo? which featured a cranky avocado farmer named George Avocados who kept angrily insisting that his last name was pronounced “uh-VOK-uh-dose” instead of the traditional pronunciation. When The Boy & I did the weekly grocery shopping Sunday, we had a blast re-enacting that scene while we were selecting some avocados to purchase. Ain’t kids fuckin’ AWESOME?

    1. Jo

      at

      I’ve been see-sawing about flushing a dead baby. In poor taste perhaps… but criminal… I’m leaning towards… not. I mean… maybe against… local bylaws… I don’t know.

      Reminds me of a joke I heard. Cremate body and its fine, burn a body in your back yard and you’re destroying evidence.

      Kids are awesome. Kinda.

  2. jim-

    at

    There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it”Bertrand Russell
    How’s everything south Jo T?

    1. Jo

      at

      Thats a cool quote. Have you read ‘Why I am not a Christian’?

  3. Over Soil

    at

    My mother once told me the story of a large woman, who’d coughed and out came a small baby. She hadn’t known she was pregnant and didn’t know what was happening (mother worked in a hospital or two, not sure if it was the medical one of the mental). Anyways, the who, what? “I Ching” you say, isn’t that the memoirs of Arkwrights till?

    1. Jo

      at

      I’m always weary about those sorts of stories. Being pregnant… from what I’ve observed… is quite… eh… an experience.

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