Go Darke

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it

Fundamental Joeyism

Cock fights

I’m sitting in the shade outside my daughters playgroup. Its still a couple of minutes before they come out. I’m listening to sci-fi on my airpods and sipping the last schluck of coffee out of my travel mug. One of the other dads pulls up across the road from me. A big lifted truck, blacked out with a camouflage canopy. He gets out, walks over, then thinks better of it, walks back and opens the passenger side window for the two Dachshunds sitting on the front seat.

He’s a big guy. Solid looking. Not what I was expecting in terms of canine accompaniment. I’m quite judgmental like that I’ve realized.

He walks over to me and we start to chat. The weather, how hot its been, how we need rain, which kid is mine. The usual.

So what do you do for a living?

Fuck. I knew this question was coming. I think about lying.

‘I… eh… um…’

For some reason I have this childhood flash back to third grade. You had to get up in front of the class and tell people what your parents did for a living. Which now that I think about it… what happens if you only had one parent? I mean I was in a Catholic convent school in the 80’s. No one was divorced. No single moms. That would have been quite scandalous. But I suppose, you could have a parent that was deceased. Or something.

In any event. All the kids got up and told the class what their parents did for a living. Doctors. Lawyers. Engineers. Hell, even Green Grocers. One kids dad owned a Liquor store. I was jealous. The other kids parents all had cool jobs… maybe not cool… but they had… whats the word I’m looking for… ‘normal’ jobs. Like you knew what they did for a living. I’d asked my dad what he did and he just said tell them I’m a Managing Director. Which, to my third grade mind, did NOT sound cool at all. I knew my dad had his own company… and that broadly speaking they were commodity traders… but that was… vague… and didn’t sound like a real thing… not when you were competing against a kid whose dad was a doctor.

Doctors, Engineers… Pilots. THESE were the rockstar jobs.

Managing Director. What bullshit.

Lol. Not only that, my mom didn’t work. She was… just around. You know… like a mom. All these other moms seemed to have jobs. What do I tell them my mom does? I eventually went with ‘my mom does nothing’.

I mean why do people want to know what you do for money anyway? What sort of question is that? Its just meant to fill the void. F’ing polite conversation bullshit.

Why was I having such serious anxiety about this?

I mean what do I do… really? I trade CFD’s for four hours in the morning. And then pick up the kid from school. Then I put her down for a nap and I play Playstation until the other one comes home. That’s quite a wordy run through of my ‘career’.

In all honesty I’ve been feeling like a bit of a dead-beat lately. Maybe I should just tell him that I’m a dead-beat. That way he’ll just feel uncomfortable and leave me alone.

If you tell people you’re a day trader they immediately think you’re some kind of huckster prevaricator. And going with, ‘Well, I sold my company at the beginning of the year so at the moment, I don’t really have to work’ just sounds like you’re bragging.

Saying I’m unemployed is also a but spurious. Maybe I’m between careers I don’t know.

Eventually I go with ‘I’m a trader’. Which is kinda true. And last week I held an overnight position… so… really, maybe I can drop the ‘day’ part of that equation. Its all semantics anyway.

He looks at me quizzically. In my experience it could go either way at this point. Sometimes they want to talk about the markets. Which… ha ha… is even worse than if they’ve think you’re lying.

I know very little about the markets I trade. If you were to ask me right now what the GBP/USD was… I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I might be able to give you a ballpark figure of one twenty something… eh… maybe. (I have traded this pair every single day for YEARS). Same with the FTSE or the DAX. The numbers on the side are broadly meaningless to me.

Worse is if they want to talk about individual stocks.

Which I know absolutely nothing about. Because… well… it doesn’t really interest me. At all. Also trading individual stocks in hard work. Much harder than forex and indices… well… imo anyway. In any event it doesn’t help to sell the image of competence…

…and I think I want to seem competent. I mean this is what this is all about really. I care what this vague, nameless person thinks about me and what I do. I want to him to be impressed by my title. Or, at least be impressed and have him think that my life is… you know… enviable. Its a cock fight. With words.

Why is that important to me? I have no idea. Its something deeply primal… and competitive.

I mean now that I’ve written it all out I realize how dumb it all is.

Well… until some new random person asks me what I do for a living and I’m forced to confront all this angst again.

Ha ha. Insecurity is awful stuff.

+++

FUNDAMENTAL JOEYISM

[#598]

6 Comments

  1. tara caribou

    at

    “That way he’ll just feel uncomfortable and leave me alone.” This is my go-to. Except my phrase just before that part is: “excuse me, I have diarrhea…” works every time.

    1. Over Soil

      at

      That’s hilarious and I love it. 🤪 🤨

  2. Over Soil

    at

    This makes me think of the Beloved John Lennon as a child, apparently when asked what he wanted to be as said child, he answered “Happy” and the teacher said “You don’t understand the question” and again apparently his answer was “You don’t understand the answer”.

    1. Over Soil

      at

      add [[[ what you want to be when you grow up ]]] as I missed that bit out, oops.

  3. crustytuna

    at

    Gah. I hate that question. It should be removed from the chitchat arsenal. It is wholly irrelevant to who a person is.
    Also, weren’t Daschunds useful in the war or something? Like, little sneaky combat dogs?

    1. Jo

      at

      Lol. Maybe… if you like… attached a grenade to them and sent them towards the enemy.

      Although… even without ordnance they are quite vicious little buggers.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.