Sandwiches

I learnt something very important about myself today…

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I am a structure and ingredient purist. That’s like a… sandwich conservative. *shudder*

Also… I am suddenly very concerned that some of my friends might be… not only structural rebels… but also ingredient rebels.

How does a friendship recover from something like that?

How can we coexist if we can’t even agree on the BASIC FUNDAMENTALS that constitute a sandwich!

OMG. My whole day is #$%@& now. Thanks stupid sandwich chart!

*flounces off to go make coffee*

Burn it down

I am a little bit of nihilist when it comes to climate change and environmentalism. Mostly because that helps me sleep at night. Cultivating a sense that we are too far gone and totally fucked regardless of what changes we make RIGHT NOW makes me feel somehow less bad about existing. I mean if I really cared about the planet I would just kill myself. And so should you. The longer you stick around the more damage you do…

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So depending on what information source you consume, the Amazon rainforest is on fire in varying in degrees of dramatic verse, from third or forth circle of Dante’s inferno (basically wedged in between gluttony and greed) to calm down, only some of the amazon is on fire and its mostly the farms on the outskirts you lentil weaving wonks….

I have no idea what version of this is true. I’m a layman and I get the sense that this meant to herd me in some ideological direction. Although I do casually note that no one disputes that at least some of the rain forest is actually on fire. Although apparently this happens pretty much every year and the Brazilians are all like ‘Que Porra?’ because this year (for some inexplicable reason) people are upset about it.

I use the term upset about it quite loosely. You know because retweeting an article about the slash and burn agriculture gone wrong on a foreign continent while munching down on your Big Mac and fries doesn’t really feel super indignant or particularly… you know… behavior modifying.

So returning to coda, I’m loathed to kill myself… because… well… it would be super inconvenient for those people that actually kinda like me (Admittedly a figure in the single digits).  I do however like to feel a least a little smug and superior at times like this… because I RECYCLE. And I don’t litter. And… *thinks* don’t… eh… eat burgers… all… that… often. And I grow my own vegetables… that’s quite a big one… in the moral superiority arms race I mean… you apartment dwellers are the WORST!

And… yeah… that’s all I got. Snark.

Besides… if the Brazilians want to burn it all down… shouldn’t they be allowed to? I mean… I’m sure they wouldn’t mind some hard currency to pull the vast majority of their citizenry out of the mire of poverty and sell… free range beef and coffee and fucken soybeans to the wealthy nations of the world… so that they can buy iPhones and cars and shiny baubles. I feel kinda bad about not allowing them to experience the crushing weight of consumerism and how it sucks your will to live… I mean I don’t want to be selfish with my affluence-ordeal.

ON THE PLUS SIDE… don’t worry… Lungs of the world is a bit of misnomer… It’s A LOT less. We probably won’t even miss it. Phytoplankton does like 80% of the worlds oxygenation anyway… and the oceans are totally fine!

So really this is mostly a win.

  1. Poor people pulling themselves out poverty.
  2. Soybeans for China. Burger patties for America. Coffee for everyone else in a single use cup.

Ok the Jaguars and Tapirs won’t have anywhere to live anymore… but lets be honest they were never going to make it anyway. Rather pull this particular sticky plaster off quick than draw it out of over the next hundred years or so.

Obviously I have no real solutions other than warbling on satirically about stuff I only have a very cursory understanding of. I mean a Thanos-ian finger snap could help. As least in the short-term. Obviously if that finger-snap didn’t include me or anyone I cared about (this paragraph may require a vague sense of Marvel universalism).

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Lest I have I to dust off the ol’ compound bow and re-learn all my sword forms… and then go on a homicidal rampage. Clint Barton was always my favorite avenger. Even back when I only came haft height to Mjölnir.

Anyways. Herewith endeth my tirade. Mostly because I’m tired and I want to go to sleep now. Maybe I should end with an admission or at least some form of truism. The Amazon burning actually makes me really sad. But I’m going to compartmentalise and just carry on with my life and pretend everything is awesome.

Not an IED.

I only recently learned what a IUD was. (the things I will admit to) Yeah… my knowledge of female reproductive health (which is likely typical of my gender) is apparently quite dismal.

‘Wait… so you put this t-shaped thing wrapped in copper wire up into your lady bits… and that stops you from getting pregnant?’

‘Basically’

*Jo looking horrified*  ‘Jesus… that sounds a bit medieval’.

I think its the wrapped in copper wire thing that concerned me. I sorta envisioned a solenoid… or an electromagnet… grafted onto… one of those plastic t-pieces you might use to connect three pieces of garden hose.

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‘And that’s… inside you… like permanently? 

‘Yeah’

The next thought that occurred to me was… what exactly is the percentile chance that your penis gets snagged on this thing? Vigorous shaking may after all, un-spool the wire, creating a somewhat hostile environment in which to go spelunking…

(I think I just proved, perhaps once and for all, how shallow I actually am)

Of course if there was ANY actual danger to male genitalia this thing would have been banned AGES ago. The patriarchy looks after its own. I take comfort in that.

Still… I can’t believe that this is where we are at in terms of female reproductive health in the year of our lord twenty nineteen

I mean we have flying cars. And mile high black skyscrapers.

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Ok, sadly Bladerunner got a couple things wrong about the dystopian future of 2019.

But we do have iPhones and a… eh… work-in-progress notion about colonizing Mars. Surely not getting knocked up should be an easier problem to solve, you know, that doesn’t involve splicing together bits from Home Depot?

Of course I’m just making stuff up. Maybe it is REALLY difficult? Like curing cancer difficult. Or… *thinks* making the perfect sunny side up egg, thats pretty hard. Although now that I think about it, poached eggs, where you have to swirl the water, is harder. Maybe that should be my go-to analogy…

I also think this means I’m a feminist now.

In a lip service, put it on my facebook profile, virtue signalling kinda way. *raises his fist* Solidarity and stuff. Yo.

I can’t believe your lives are so… inconvenient. I mean I imagine this is not a do-it-yourself kinda insertion?

Having now imagined that, I don’t really know how to move on from there.

So maybe I’ll just leave it there.

 

 

…How about them Mets.

People problems

Concentration camps.

I’ll give you a clue. Its in the name. Concentration. As in an assemblage. Less in the attentiveness context. I think there is some confusion here.

Firstly with the world war phenomenon that some concentration camps became extermination centers. The two are not the same thing. Really, any temporary structure meant to detain people could likely be called a concentration camp. Although I think the word concentration camp refers mostly to non-combatants since, an assemblage of enemy combatants taken for the purpose of resource denial are called prisoners (and historically get more rights and often better treatment) Anyway, I know to most this semantics. But I think words are important.

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Also. Concentration camps. British invention. Circa 1900. Getting their butts kicked in the second Boer war the British decided on a scorched earth policy to turn the tide of the war.  Broadly this meant resource denial on a massive scale. The British rounded up all the families (the women and children) of the Boer combatants and burnt their farms to the ground, killed their cattle and destroyed their crops. Difficult to carry on fighting when you family is dying in a camp and your farm has been destroyed. In any event thousands of people (mostly children) died in these camps of typhoid and dysentery before the war ground to an end.

I like to point this out because the war crimes of other nations routinely get glossed over and only incidents with higher body counts get remembered and then trivialized on twitter. Which grinds my gears.

Now, having led with my little opening tirade. Are camps on the US-Mexico border concentration camps. Sure, why not. Are they rife with measles, small pox, lice, rats and malnutrition? I’m leaning towards no. Well maybe measles because apparently this is a thing now again. Is there even the remotest possibility that these guys are destined for fake showers and infusion of an Zyklon B? Absolutely and categorically no way in hell.

I can’t speak for brutality against the detained, rapes, beatings, psychological abuse etc. I mean its possible. Experiments have shown as soon as their is a massive power disconnect between people, (most famously the Stanford Prison experiment) things start to go a little awry. Still, I feel there is more oversight these days, and while abusive behavior is still likely, I think its probably less pervasive than we imagine. (I also think my ideas about prison guards and wardens are largely colored by the portrayal and the stereotypical guards from Prison Break and Shawshank redemption).

Which begs the question. What do you do with these people?

Well we could start by asking them nicely not to come. I mean, its quite selfish of them (this is likely only 50% tongue in cheek) to expect other people to take care of them. We could ignore the problem (out of sight out of mind). We could build a massive frikken wall at huge cost to the taxpayer which… well it probably won’t work (unless we add minefields and gun turrets and sharks-with-frikken-laser-beams). We could make it Mexicos problem (we will tax you… and eh… ourselves…if you don’t police your borders). We can cut off aid to countries identified as the points of origin for these migrants (get your people under control, or we will stop giving you money to buy guns and tanks and water-canons… you know… to keep your population under control).

Actually… I have no idea what to do with these people. So really, I am probably fine keeping them locked up (for the moment) while I… deliberate and equivocate and… other words that end in -ate. And since I don’t live in a border town under siege where I can’t take my kids to the park because its littered with crap and trash and people who make me feel uncomfortable about my personal safety… I feel fine. Suck it up Texas.

Agony Joey

Hi Jo. My best-friend keeps retweeting and sharing articles from Vox and the Daily Beast. I don’t know what to do…

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Well… you should probably stop being friends with them. I know this is difficult to hear… but your friend is likely too far gone.

Really, the only acceptable news organization that you can share on any of your social media accounts is Fox news…

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And that’s only because they are hilarious.

White Dudes

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Ha ha.

If only this wasn’t true.

I think it requires a certain level of hubris to start a podcast*… and white dudes have hubris in spades. (wait, did Joey just channel some progressive-ism?)

*maybe I should add Youtube channels to this (while I’m at it)

Also we love inflicting our opinions on those around us. Case in point, this blog. Which is as white as they come (seriously I have the papers to prove it) and is also incredibly opinionated. I also give myself a solid B- in questions of moral superiority. (I’m also pretty good at being able to tell whether the milk in the fridge has turned and whether or not the cheese I just found languishing near the back is salvageable)

The answer however, sadly for some, is no. I’m still straddling the center-line, occasionally squatting down to teabag the linoleum.

Calling out your own ‘kind’ should be par for the course. God knows you can’t call out anyone else these days on their particular brand of bullshit…. so… stick with what you know…

Just be aware that we don’t really listen. And any criticism makes us grasp the power of our patriarchy even more tightly. Seriously, you’ll have to take it from our cold dead hands (probably prying it away with a screwdriver)

Unless we’re trying to get laid. Then we’re progressive AF.

Black Russians

Not the drink. Which I think is vodka… and if memory serves, coffee liqueur. But don’t quote me on this. Also I’m too lazy to look it up.

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Maybe it should be Black Ukrainians. Because… you know, they’re their own thing now.. having cast off the soviet yoke… and taking a stab at democracy…. but then getting kinda invaded again… but the free world was all like ‘meh’…

anyways I wanted to seem smart and edgy with my cocktail analogy. You know how it goes.

Apparently this not in any way, shape or form a satirical tweet. Which is… incredibly frightening.

Just wanted to let y’all know that your upbeat faith in humanity is incredibly misguided and that we are all DOOMED.

Here ends this public service announcement.

Also my naval lint is blue today.