Some pretty serious accusations

In an endeavor that would spark joy with the adherents of Marie Kondo I’ve been cleaning out my desk drawer. Its already relatively spartan, I am not naturally a hoarder (at least this is what I tell myself). In any event, part of this weekend project was a flash-drive/SD card purge… a virtual cornucopia of digitalism that I’d been stockpiling in a tin.

One of these, as it turns out, was not homemade pornography… but rather a folder of sentimental trifles from 2008. A collection of Livejournal (yeah kids before your time I know) entries saved as word documents (made for REALLY cringeworthy reading… and some Google chat logs… one of which made me laugh out loud.

My girlfriend, Mia, telling me exactly what she thought (of me)

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Mia: yeah
i have a mans personality
and you have a womans personality
you’re neat
i’m messy
you want a nest

Mia: i don’t give a shit
you’re all insecure
i’m an arrogant fuck

Jo: ha ha
Oh my god. You’re right! 
You are a man!

Mia: you eat right and take care of your body
i’m a slob

Mia: you cook gourmet meals

Mia: i cook mi goreng
in the microwave

Mia: i smoke and drink
you never use to smoke and drink

Jo: Like the James song?  ‘Messed around with Gender roles’.

Mia: AND
i go to sleep after sex
lolz
you read a book
and i go to sleep

Jo: Ha ha

Mia: read a book whilst watching me sleep and waiting to go again
cause i’m spent
bahahahaha

Jo: These are some pretty serious accusations.

Mia: AND
i listen to death metal
and you listen to christina and justin timberlake
AND
you use lotion
and i don’t

 

In my defense… and really I think there’s probably only one thing here I can legitimately take umbrage with… Mia classified anything that wasn’t Opeth and Suicide-Commando as ‘Christina and Justin Timberlake’. Otherwise… thats probably relatively spot-on.

Maybe I should use this as my ‘About’ page?

 

A statistical anomaly

I rarely look at my WordPress stats. This is less of a self imposed rule and perhaps more of a sense of nonchalance or ambivalence I have towards statistics. While this information is useful (I’m sure) for bloggers who want to up their readership and appeal to a certain segment in the market, I use my blog primarily as a form of procrastination (and therefore, have no real readership goals or expectations). For example, right now, I should be attending the scary amount of (real) work I have clogging my todo list but instead I’m clacking away at the keys… achieving nothing of real consequence (again).

When I opened my WordPress dashboard this morning however, something caught my eye in the stats section under Search terms.

little maigre fucking blowjob

Wait.. what?

I had to google what maigre meant.

maigre. 1 : being a day on which the eating of flesh is forbidden by the Roman Catholic Church.

Which, as you can imagine, confuses me even more. (in all fairness it doesn’t take a lot) I’m assuming this must be a typo. Although the rest of the search term also upsets me. Don’t you normally search for blowjobs or fucking? (there might be some personal proclivity reveal here, ha ha) Maybe they meant meagre? In any event, I have now (annoyingly) spent a fair bit of time wondering what some paedophile* meant when he hamfisted his google search.

* I realise paedophilia refers to a prepubescent. But the ‘little’ in the search term tends to bend me towards labeling them as such.

In any event. Googling this phrase myself fortunately doesn’t bring up my blog. (It does however probably flag me on some sort of database) I will continue to ponder this strange occurrence while the basset rests his head on my head.

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Perhaps with our combined intellect we can solve this enigma. (Don’t get your hopes up, the basset hound has actually now fallen asleep, which leaves only the dumber member of our dynamic cross species duo to ponder) Netflix said they doubted it would gain much traction after I pitched them our ‘detective’ show idea. Admittedly the premise of the pilot was us mostly lying on the sofa eating potato chips. We may have to go full YouTube…

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 It’s going to be epic.